Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
