will power is for people who don't want to get laid
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
