Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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