I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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