i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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