I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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