yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
