There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
