i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
