Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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