I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
