I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
