ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
