Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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