Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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