Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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