she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I think we might need a safe word for this...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
