Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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