Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
