I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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