Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
