listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
