There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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