i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
