i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
