Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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