Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
She is in my trunk
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
