First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She just used a chaser for red wine.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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