I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Randomize
