Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm always down for nudity.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
