Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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