It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
