i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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