Whoa Z and x make the same sound
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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