We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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