Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
