Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
