the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
