I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
