One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
