Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
