One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
