I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
