god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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