every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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