i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
