i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
