I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
