glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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