somebody snuck up and got me drunk
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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