i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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