...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Randomize
