mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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