You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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