I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
