i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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