Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
