My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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