i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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